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What is left behind

when crossing a frontier? 

Pain and melancholy? 

The tears of loved ones
who see a search for forgiveness
in rheumy eyes?
At the precipice
I feel the world changing.
Or is it me?

The Storm Within

Though formless I am battered
tossed for long ages
torn within by raging forces
incomprehensible conflict unknown to me
dwelling in dimensions of madness
the blackness fighting to engulf
my shattered fragments of rainbow
whiteness of incredible intensity
writhing in this malignant gloom
I am lost

Fears

I acted out of old fears
and it left me fearful.
In the ensuing loneliness,
I became unsure, isolated, fatigued
.... Oh, I was so tired.
And at the end of the day
I brought you my fear.
Seeking relief I put it at your feet
and called it love.
It was not.
And neither was the beating
my spirit failed to endure
because of your fear.

Parsing Thoughts

Only a few birds are still speaking

the troubled ones, I think, 

as this dusk settles to dark 

and I am left
to look about aimlessly 

and emptily seeking what can be said

for purchase against the unsayable.

And as I might attack a block of ice 

with pick and mallet 

I prize apart the compressed, 

the mass of my obdurate brain,

picking loose the skein of thoughts 

before compressing them anew, condensing,

distilling phrases to word.

Fear

Anger

Pain

Sin

God

My tragic capacity for self-deception 

with the limitation of language,

a driven force required 

to overcome these mantras,

I now see my words a simple finger 

pointing to the moon,

not the moon itself 

and the mallet life's strongest force,

Love

Maybe

Too long have I slumbered
secure within the discomfort
of transferred fears,
the paralyzing gifts
that kept me in a box
unable to venture out,
unable to risk.

I've been hindered, I believe,
believing in the false realities
imposed by others,
my inability to fulfill your expectations,
my feet held to the fire
for falling short.

Lately I spend much time thinking
maybe I have a right to ask for what I want.
Maybe I have a right to be happy.
Maybe it's acceptable, to me,
to have healthy relationships.

I should spend more time writing
and perhaps, one day
I can eliminate the word "maybe".

Uncomfortably Numb

Many holidays that came and went
Empty days and memories
Echoed laughter as time was spent
Something I refused to see

Each time I knew the day grew near
I felt uncomfortably numb
To wake alone like all days past
And wish it had never come

Is it future yesterdays
Or maybe past tomorrows
I fear the dawn and what it brings
This overwhelming sorrow

I've finally seen what it was I left
With no friends or family
What it is that hurts so much
My life went on without me

As I Die

Let this time for parting be sweet
As love melts to memory
          As pain to songs,
And the gentle last touch of your hand
Soft like a flower
That only blooms at night.
Be still now my soul
My death is but completion
My lamp no longer lights the way.

And while I am gone,
In the depth of your hopes
          And desires
Exists your knowledge of the beyond
          Unacknowledged,
Like bulbs under the snow
          Dream of spring,
My restless breath now rises
          To seek God unfettered.